let me stop from thinking...

 

 

 

 

of you....

its been 18 days since the day you left...

18 days ago I was about to go to the airport... maybe hug you... maybe say my whatevs... but I didnt...

on my mind.... --the best thing to do is not to see you...

but

since yesterday...

I have been thinking of you...

 

damn! I do...

sad... Ido...

I have anticipated this.

 

But just the same...

 

it hurts....

 

 

Forgive me if my grammar sucks. At this moment I feel I have to write it down. And wish that my angel will one day read it...

 

Last month, (that monday), when I said we should not see each other and all the whatevs that I said... I never really wanted to say that... It's just that I felt like it's what you really want to hear...

 

After I opened the lock of the cars and you opened that door I wanted to stop you. When I looked at the rear mirror, I saw you standing and I said to myself, I can't stop you because this is what you want. I have to give it. I have to be selfless. And when you left, I went to the CR (saw you standing at the escalator). I wanted to hug you and tell you I never really wanted this...

I washed my face at the CR and realized that I am a fool for doing such... So I went out, tried to find you... I did... I went to the movie house... Went to everywhere... I can't find you... My friend arrived, ask me what's going on, I said I just made a mistake and whatevs and then cried. then for a while thought of smoking. then my friend said, dude, look at me, a girl addicted to cigarette. You have managed to stop, don't try it again.  Umiyak ka nalang. 

 

When my friend left, I went home. Since my mom and dad are leaving that day.... And that night, I don't know what to do, so I went out with two friends... I wanted to go to your house but I can't make any explanation why should we go. They don't have any idea of what's going on between the two of us... i just got drunk and my other friend finally realized what's going on. He looked at me and said: Alam ko sobrang importante siya sa'yo pero kelangan 'to. Lalo na kung sigurado kang yun ang gusto niya."

We got drunk. Went to tomas then to eastwood. The next day, I had to work and be workacholic. And when I was able to meet up with friends close to us, I managed to make an excuse and was able to tell them to be in touch with you... I used the lines: "you know *matalino and mabibigyan kayo ng advice, kaya kausapin niyo lagi ha*."

Everyday after that monday I am in pain. Hurting and badly hurting. I didn't just lost someone I love... I lost a friend... A friend who when I am slowly dying kept me alive...

 

I made myself busy. Told myself that this is what you really want. Then sometimes, during night... I think, what if this is not what you really wanted... What if my temper just made me see something which you don't really mean...

 

Then I tried asking people around if they see you and how have you been. they know I am busy working that's why I haven't been talking with you. Everyone is saying your fine. But I have a hint that there's something wrong.

 

So I always check the social networks we are in... You seem okay...

 

And I am not okay... Because all this time I have been diverting my attention... I have been trying my best to forget and internalize the things... Sabi ko, okay lang. Magiging okay din ang lahat.

 

2 weeks or 3 weeks after, I got a news that you're leaving. And worst, it's next month. I told myself, it's really easy for some people to let go. not even text me and tell me "Hey you bitch! I'm leaving!.* wala. walang sabi-sabi. basta wala lang.

 

But the truth is... damn I just died... I wanted to know what's going on with you... so.... I scrolled your social network and to my surprise I sense sadness... I sense something going on...

 

I excluded myself from the world. I tried to understand everything. Look into the past and see what the hell is really going on.

 

Then I realized, for the past few months, I have been forcing myself to believe that you wanted me out in your life... The truth is... you never really wanted. I simple listened to my ego. listened to people who I would ask what kind of person you are. bla bla bla.

 

And so I have to decide fast. fix whatevs.

is it too late?

because as I wait outside your door... you never opened...

no signs...

 

 

I want you to know that... after that monday, there's no second of my life that I haven't been thinking of you.

You're my friend... And I should've been a good friend...

 

 

I just died... when will I live again?.....